Saturday, June 18, 2005

I just want to know why. Not, why me. Just why?

“How long will you be upset about this?”
I don’t know. How long will I have to pretend?
Am I mad because she’s not the person I thought she was?
Or am I mad because I finally realize the relationship is what it is and will never be anything better?
Or am I mad because I have to pretend to make her feel better while it eats me up inside?
Why do I have to pretend?

“She’s got problems.”
We all do.
Pretending is not going to make things better.
Yet I must.
Until the day I die or the day she dies, it will always be the same.

“Daughters need to respect mothers.”
“A mother never calls the daughter.”
“It is ok to yell at the daughter but not to anyone else. The daughter will take it and understand.”
“It is the daughter’s duty to listen to the gripes and inform the person it’s directed towards to protect the mother.”
“It is the daughter’s duty to protect the mother from hurting anyone or from being hurt by anyone.”
“You need to learn that your role as a wife does not supercede your role as my daughter.”

You’re hurting your daughter but you’ll never see. You’ve got an illness. I’ll forever be the one hurting you unless I accept your wishes. Even then, I’ll never be more than just your “lower class” as you say. I can’t do anything but take it and accept it.

I must swallow and realize there will be no reciprocation. Though it pains me I must say things that I disagree with to make you happy. I need to lie to you and in essence to myself.

It hurts.