Sunday, May 29, 2005

"I'm crazy for trying...And crazy for crying..."

I grew up in the Bronx in an Irish Italian neighborhood. Everyone knew everyone. It was a little piece of suburbia within the harden city during the 70’s.

Back then, you planted roots. You got married, bought a house and had children. I didn’t realize how much this affected me until today.

Readers know that I have had a hard time dealing with the prospect of another move. I always thought it was because I was too tired to think of another move. Moves are strenuous enough but tack on a case of OCD which requires me to label, itemize and photograph every box and you’ve got a downright nightmare.

I also have grown to love my neighborhood and the people in my neighborhood. We may not know each other aside from our daily routines but we’ve built this strange bond. “Didn’t see you Thursday.” “Took a day off.” “That’s good.”

However, I realized today, well Friday late night, that the real reason I’m apprehensive of moving is my childhood. Whether wrong or right, I thought by the time we bought our second apartment together we’d settle down and start a family; just like how I grew up.

Now, I’m not suggesting we be like my mother who won’t leave our house even if was ablaze. I’m not like that. I’m willing to move. I’m just getting used to it and it’s hard.

In our 8 ½ years together, we’ve lived in 5 apartments, owned 2 and spent 7 years in the same neighborhood.

Now, the thought is to sell our place, forget about suburbia and move to a rental. Silly as this may sound, my initial thought was we were going back to before and I was hoping to go towards the future. I know, it’s not so but that’s what popped into my head.

I know that in today’s market, it’s better to rent and we can save more for something better later. But what is that better? If every 3 years, our plans keep straying further and further apart.

I’m not ashamed to say I’m scared. I’m not ashamed to say that I put silly thoughts into this apartment. A year from now at the new place, I’ll probably laugh this off.

There once was a future that I lived towards. Now, it’s changed. The picture has completely been altered and I’m just getting used to it.