Friday, February 25, 2005

Does this mean I'll have to start chewin' tobacci?

Last night, tired of watching the 12 hours of Law & Order and CSI we have Replayed, Lrudlrick came across MXC on SpikeTV. I know we’re slow on the bandwagon here but there really is no need for us to tune to SpikeTV. Note, if a choice had to be made, SpikeTV would probably take precedence over viewing anything on Pax, Lifetime or the Oxygen channels. The description lured him. It read “Cows and Cars.” Why this peaked his interest is beyond me. I am happy that he did check it out though. I spent the next hour and a half watching Japanese people compete in the most ridiculous games imaginable. The footage is from a late 80’s game show from Japan and from what I can gather, there is no prize except the honor one gains for competing. There have been rumors of prize winning but SpikeTV’s version, apparently a dumb down crudely dubbed version of the original show, would not air a winning.

Now, I know it’s crude. I know the show is absolute trash but if you turn the dubbing off and just watch these poor souls working their hardest to accomplish the ridiculous tasks, you’ll be mesmerized. These contestants really hurt themselves for absolutely nothing. In one game, the contestants had to swing on a rope and land on a floating dock. The dock could not have been more than 3 feet in diameter. One guy slammed his body onto the dock with such force that he flipped over and landed in the water. Did I mention his safety helmet was knocked off his head at impact?

Of course, pantrygirl’s sense of humor, being what it is, found this quite humorous and preceded to wear out the 5 second rewind button on the remote. By the second episode aired last night, I was battling to breathe between my fits of crying.

See here, pantrygirl. Weren’t you the one who said, "The slapstick comedy of doors ricocheting back at you is not funny when it actually happens to you." Yes, I did. To my knowledge, I have never participated in any kooky stunts in Asia. I have never slid down a waterslide in a giant foam rice bowl. I have never dressed up like a blueberry and ran down a hill. I have never attempted to run over the tops of foam dominos to make it to the other end of the domino chain. Therefore, it is funny.

I’m not going to lie. I felt guilty watching this program. I felt guilty watching SpikeTV. I felt guilty that I almost pissed myself watching a girl pole vault herself into a wall. However, the hour and a half spent transfixed taught me a valuable lesson on marketing. Actually, Lrudlrick was the one who pointed it out. Commercials geared towards men must have ridiculous situations, explosions and loud noises. Commercials geared towards women have “side effects may include diarrhea, irritable bowels, nausea, discomfort, loss of appetite, increased anxiety, dizziness, constipation, increased appetite, urinary tract infection and/or anal leakage.”

Not once did I see a commercial on SpikeTV telling me that whatever is wrong with me, can be fixed. No models telling me that I’m worth it. No voiceover telling me that not so fresh feeling can be treated. After an hour, I was hungry for Burger King burgers that grow on trees and gasp, started to see the appeal of watching cars circle a track for hours on end. BTW, have you ever noticed that Nascar viewers look like cats transfixed on their feather toy?

To further the evidence that I’m a cold hearted beast of a woman, here is a fake listing someone made of the total number of injuries contestants received during the show’s stint.