Monday, November 15, 2004

MA.ALD: Masters in Architectural Lavatory Design

I find that the more time that passes b/w hair washing, the better my hair looks.

I know that sounds disgusting.

I guess when, it's too clean, it just doesn't do what it's supposed to do.

But I digress. My real topic for my rant today is bathrooms, public bathrooms to
be exact.

Now, I know a thing or two about bathrooms. If you've seen the number of bathrooms
I've seen in Chinatown, you will know what I'm talking about.

I've been in stalls where my short legs are hanging out of the door in order for
me to squat.

I've been in stalls where my 34 inch hips push out on either sides ala '3PO! 3PO!'.

If you are a stall outside of Chinatown, you should not have a poorly planned layout.

Take bathroom stall number 1 in Pizzeria Uno's on Central Avenue.

A bathroom in a modern day chain restaurant should not require acrobatics on the
part of the visitor.

Imagine having to use the bathroom (picture, the pee pee dance).

Running into the stall.

Being grateful that their is room for you to pull your pants down.

As you do the hover (yes, ladies hover) you look to your right for the toilet paper.

No toilet paper.

You look to your left.

No toilet paper.

You look in the front.

No toilet paper.

You look behind you.

The toilet paper holder has been installed behind the toilet to the far left hand

As you continue to hover, you desperately attempt to reach the roll that seems to
be 3 inches away from your reach.

Now I have long arms for a petite person. Heck, sometimes when I'm hunched over,
I look like a skinny version of the gorilla in that Bugs Bunny cartoon where the
drunk stork loses the baby gorilla and tries to pass of Bugs as the baby of primates.

So at this point, I'm trying to stay fairly over the loo as I'm desperately
reaching for the toilet paper roll. I finally grab a hold of the end (thanks to
the extra millimeters Janets suggested I keep on my nails).

Of course, it doesn't end there.

For some god forsaken reason they've installed those el cheapo toilet paper rolls.

You know the ones.

The ones that rip every two squares.

Like two squares wipes anything that needs wiping.

So I'm vainly trying to gather enough squares to properly clean myself off.

I'm so frustrated by the whole event, when completed, I flush the toilet and
leave the stall without zipping up.

In walks two teenage girls mortified that I'm walking out with my zipper open and
a red face of frustration.

Someone needs to have a lavatory design degree. Fix our loos!