Friday, May 07, 2004

Me against a city pigeon

I've been asked to recap my harrowing tale of a pigeon in my bedroom. I thought I'd share it with you. This happened this past winter in my old
apartment. Enjoy!


Here is a pic of the damn bird that took over my bed!

God Pigeon

I didn't get to tell you the details.

So I got home last night frozen stiff from the wind.

I went about my business: feeding the dogs, checking the mail, viewing the fish, watering the christmas tree etc.

I then went into the bedroom, exhausted. I didn't even turn on the lights.

I started changing out of my work clothes into comfy clothes when a noticed a dark greyish black lump on the corner of my bed. I thought that Hubby left his
clothes again strewn around and I took a mental note to mention to him his sweater looked like a bird on our bed and that it almost scared me half to
death. {Yes, women do take snapshots of things to nag you about.}

I kick off my shoes and skirt and waddle over to my armoire to get my sweatpants. As I walk towards the lump, the lump starts moving and flapping. It
is a bird! A gi-normous bird (see photo)! In the dark, I muffle a scream, trip over the dog and run towards the door, half naked. I scream for the dogs to come
out and shut the door.

I grab my phone and call you. You laugh your ass off and tell me to go crocodile hunter on it's ass and hang up.

I call Hubby who isn't supposed to be home until 11:30pm.

Hubby: "How'd it get in the house?"

pantrygirl: "You tell me. You were home all day. Did you not notice a bird perched on our bed?"

H: "It's a pigeon. Open the window and have the dogs shoo it out. Well, have P-man not Z-girl. She'll just jump out the window after it."

pg: "This isn't any normal sized pigeon! It's like a Marlon Brando sized pigeon! It's GodPigeon!"

I get off the phone thinking all I need is bird carnage all over my bedroom. I'll try my approach.

Plan 1: Open Window and pray GodPigeon is smart enough to fly out window

I open the bedroom door, turn the lights on and creep quietly over my bed towards the window closest to the GodPigeon.

I open said window and move blinds and curtains to allow for unobstructed exit for said GodPigeon.

I slowly creep to the door and shut it.

1/2 hour later, I checked in on the GP.

Still on my bed.

Now, he's asleep.

Plan 2: Creep up on GP and shoo it out window

Note how close I am to the GP in the photo.

GP doesn't move.

Now I'm feeling sorry for GP.

Maybe he's hurt.

Or maybe he's so frickin' huge he can't move.

pg: "Ok Mr. Pigeon, are you hurt?"

I assess the GP and he looks ok to me but I'm no vet. I try to check his feet and he's so huge I can't see them.

I continue my shooing of GP using the universal sign language for shoo and it doesn't budge.

I realize I need to bring in troops.

Plan 3: Get P-man to shoo GP out.

I bring in P-man and shut the door. He looks at me.

pg: "Ok P. You know what to do. Get the rodent out of the house."

P-man struts towards the bird.

He sniffs upward.

He stands on his back legs and sniffs at GP.

GP is statuesque.

P-man's right paw comes up towards GP.

I prepare for carnage.

P-man pats the GP!

pg: "Do something!"

P-man circles and sits next to the bird.


Remind myself to return P-man's christmas stocking stuffer.

Obviously, we need the big guns.

Enter Z-girl.

Plan 4: Get Z-girl to go apeshit and freak GP.

I bring in Z and shut the door.

By now, you realize that I've got a pigeon on my bed, P-man is sitting next to the pigeon, Z-girl is jumping up and done and circling on the bed and I'm half

Ok, back to GP.

So Z-girl looks at me tailwagging and tongue out all excited.

pg: "ok Z-girl. This is the one time I need you to work your skills. This time, I want you to chase the bird. Chase the bird out of the house. Go!"

Z-girl circles on the bed faces the window and proceeds to bark Cujo style.

pg: "No. Not out the window! Bark at the pigeon! Jump on the pigeon! It's right next to you, you idjit!"

Z-girl continues to bark full blast out the window while the pigeon, inches to her right stares at P-man.

Obviously, my dogs are not going to save me from any burning buildings.

I leave the room with the dogs to plan the next attack.

After three chicken wings, a box of cashews and a gallon of water, I realize what I must do.

I must do what you suggested and grab the bird and throw it out the window.


Plan 5: Croc Hunt GP

I grab a towel resigned to the fact I have to touch it.

As I walk towards GP, I notice he shat on my comforter! He shat on my comforter!

I throw the towel over it's head.

GP doesn't flinch.

I grab the side where his wings are and he begins flapping.

I freak out and point the towel towards the window.

I open it and GP flies up and perchs on Hubby's bike.

Now, I love Hubby. I really do. But the sense of relief I felt knowing the damn bird wasn't on my bed and comforter was so frickin' relieving that I resigned
myself to leaving GP alone until he gets home.

I grab my sheets, anti-bacterial wipe my bed frame and run out the door with dogs and sheets in tow.

I decided to clean my sheets and wait for the calvary.

12:30am Hubby gets home.

By this time, I'm so comfortable with GP, I completely forget he's in the room. Hubby grabs his snow shoveling gloves and a giant foam cooler. He opens the

H: "Holy Shit! That's a giant bird!"

He inverts the cooler, covers the bird and snaps the lid on underneath.


He took the GP outside while he walked the dogs.

Apparently, he put the lid down on the sidewalk and removed the top and GP looked dazed and confused.

When he returned from walking the dogs, he said GP was still sitting on the lid and only looked like he started to waddle out.

So that's my story of the bird.

Oh, and this morning as I was leaving the house, a lone pigeon was marching back and forth by the door.

I don't know if it was GP but I double taked and quietly crept around him.